She Overcame “SELF HATE”…

Santresa found out about www. jenniferlucyinspires.com via twitter.  After being inspired by the Overcomer Confession stories of the ladies she was in tears.  She then made a promise to God that in 2011 she would walk in all He has for her and has called her too.  Part of honoring that promise was to share her testimony with those who God has lead her to share it with and to anyone who would like to hear it. Santresa let me know that out of obedience, she shared it with me. I must say I am honored that she would use this site as an avenue to be this transparent in hopes that her story will help others.  Santresa, THANK YOU for being obedient! After reading this I know that this confession will inspire others!  This will give many the encouragement to know that they can OVERCOME anything through Christ!  So please read this Overcomer Confession by Santresa and let’s encourage our sister in Christ! I promise you, reading this will bless your life!

When people look at me, they are convinced that I’ve lived what could be considered “the perfect life.” I had parents and family that loved me and supported me. We were not rich but I always knew I did not want for anything. You’re right, on the outside; it all seemed perfect but for me it wasn’t and none of it was real. I grew up in the church and knew who God was at an early age. I was taught to follow God’s commandments and to save myself for marriage and I intended on doing just that. Then it all came to a screeching halt. I was 13 years old and went with my stepmother to visit some of her family in Louisiana. I was excited because I was getting the chance to meet new family. I remember meeting different family members and I also remember meeting “him.” He was one of my step cousins and he was 16. I remember the way he looked at me and looking back on it now I know it was not the way he should have looked at me. That night, I went with my younger stepsister and two of our cousins to spend the night at their house. It was just us girls (no adults in sight). Because I was the oldest, I decided to sleep in the living room and let the other girls sleep in the bedroom. During the evening, I heard a knock on the door and it was him. I let him in because, well, he was my cousin so why not. I remember sitting on one couch while he sat on the other and we talked. After a while, he came closer to me and began to kiss me. I did not understand what was happening but I knew it was not right nor was it natural. He pulled me on the floor and got on top of me and began to touch me, kiss me and undress me. I remember telling him to stop and telling him no and that I did not want to do this. He stopped for just a moment, looked at me and said, “You act like I’m trying to rape you.” At that moment, I froze and it felt like I was having an outer body experience. It was as if I was floating over myself watching it all happen. I could hear myself screaming on the inside but nothing would come out of my mouth. I just wanted it to be over so I closed my eyes and waited.  When he finished, he got up, went to the bathroom and left. I immediately took a shower and tried to scrub myself clean. I remember the blood and I knew what it was but I just had to hide this because who would I tell?? I got my period so I figured I could hide it. I got back home to my parents and shoved my bloody underwear at the bottom of the hamper and prayed my mother wouldn’t notice. When she saw it, she asked me about it and I told her it was my period and it was heavy this time. I went to my room, closed the door and just wanted it all to go away. Then, the phone rang…it was my stepmother calling to say her nephew had called and said we had had sex. My mother came into my room in shock and informed me of what was said. I fell apart and had to face the nightmare all over again. After breaking down and telling her the truth, she called my biological father and told him what happened. He was furious, my mother was hurt, and I was ashamed. We didn’t report it and it was decided that it happened, it’s over, so we must move on. I had my first pap smear at 13 and had to be tested for HIV and STDs…it felt like I was being raped all over again.  That was the day I died…the day my life changed. I couldn’t tell anyone what happened so I did everything to cover it up. I dressed in boys baggy clothing, threw myself into every activity possible, just to make sure no one could see the truth. My outlook on sex changed the day I was raped and I convinced myself that if a guy wanted it that I needed to just give it to him because if I didn’t he’d just take it and I couldn’t live through that again. I lived with this secret shame and it was eating me alive. I felt this overwhelming pain everyday and to cope I would pop 4-6 500 mg extra strength Tylenol on a regular basis just to sleep and just to get a release from the hurt.  I felt dirty and unworthy and I endured verbal abuse and a drug dealer boyfriend until I graduated from high school. I didn’t think I deserved better so it never mattered. I was searching for love in everyone and everything except God. I went to college, began to drink, party, and smoke like there was no end. I drank to make the pain go away and on many days it felt like it was working. I could feel God calling to me but I ignored it because I didn’t think He could love someone so filled with shame, guilt, and distain for herself. During my freshman year, I tried to commit suicide twice but God kept me and always intervened. I can remember sitting in my dorm room, popping pill after pill, determined to keep going until I was gone. I just wanted to be free.  During that time I met, who I thought was the man of my dreams, my boyfriend…my boyfriend that had a girlfriend. That was okay with me because at least I had someone. Everyone knew I was the other woman but I didn’t care because I was there and she wasn’t so I was his main girl. I had sex with him, lived with him, ignoring the pleas from my mother and especially the word of God. I couldn’t be without him, I needed him because if I didn’t have him who would want me.  There was never a time that I was single from the time I was sixteen until I was 26 because I was searching for this love in a man that only God could give but I didn’t want that love…I wanted love I could see.  I lied for my boyfriend to his girlfriend to convince her that he and I were just friends. No matter what he did or how many “it’s me or her” ultimatums I gave, I always stayed. After a while, their relationship ended and I had him all to myself or so I thought. I knew he was cheating but again it didn’t matter because I had someone.  I made a decision in 2001 to give my life back to God because I could feel Him calling me home…that lasted all of 2 months because when I told my boyfriend that I wanted to stop having sex and move out, he said our relationship wouldn’t make it if I did that. He convinced me and I chose him over God. I got up enough strength to walk away in 2002 but that hurt was still there and I still “needed” a man to fill the void and keep me warm at night and I found a couple to do so. When those didn’t last, I went back to my ex and married him in 2003. I remember all the signs and warnings God gave me as I prepared for that wedding but I ignored them all because I needed this man, I had to have this man..no other man will want me. I believed it because he told me. Throughout our entire marriage, I knew he was never faithful but hey, I had a husband. He went out and wouldn’t come back till the next morning. I would call and he wouldn’t answer. I saw the text messages, emails, chats, and actually answered his cell phone to hear another woman’s voice on the other end saying “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was married.” The breaking point was the day I found condoms in his pocket and I finally confronted him. He told me I didn’t deserve an answer and his penis didn’t have anything to do with him. We had a daughter and I thought…”Is this what I want to teach her?” That you accept anything just to say you have someone. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown…I had given my life back to God in 2003 but I was still broken because I was living a lie and didn’t want to face it or give it over to Him.

I left my ex husband in 2006 and God began restoring me in a way I had never experienced. He took me off to myself and into a place where the only one I could depend on was Him. He spoke to me and told me that I was worthy of His best but I couldn’t receive all He had for me until I believed I was worthy of His best and not second best. That was the beginning of my restoration.  God gave me a new heart and began to reveal His love for me.  He began to pour into me and I let Him into those secret places in my life. For the first time, I began to deal with all my shame and let it go. He taught me how to stand on Him and not on man and revealed my worth to me. I know I’m worthy of His absolute best and I’ve been walking in it ever since. He’s given me a new song and a new ministry in Him. I read my word more and seek His face for those intimate encounters with Him. God is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My little girl looks at me and she sees a woman that God created, ordained, and restored. I am beautiful, I am worthy of His best, and I am standing in the fullness of Him. He used all I went through because I had to learn to Love Me First and Love Him First before I could ever love anyone else. No more depression, no more low self esteem…I hunger for God more and more every day. I’m not perfect…but I’m perfect for God and am His masterpiece!

If you would like to contact Santresa please see the information below:

Santresa M. Wilkins
santresawilkins@yahoo.com
facebook.com/santresamarie
twitter.com/LadySMWilkins
http://frommywell.blogspot.com

3 Comments

  1. I am glad to see another woman overcome obstacles in her life. You’ve inspired me to get my life back on track. You will be in my prayers, and continue the awesome work.

    Reply
    • To God be the Glory!! Thank you os much and I will keep you in mine!! I’m glad God used me to help inspire you.

      Reply
  2. Awesome! I can definitely relate to somethings you were feeling when you were going through.. One thing ive learned is that emotions are universal.. You never know what people are going through.. So glad you were obedient and allowed God to use you.. Your testimony touched me.. God is good.

    Reply

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